I’m Still Recovering


There are those days when you don’t want to hear polly positive (yeah, I made that up) or negative nelly. Sometimes you just want to hear the truth.  So here is the truth.  The days in which I am happy to be alive rate about 60-40 to the days in which I wish the car accident would have never happened or ended it all. Surprised? Yeah, well, join the club. I’m not saying I would take my life, I am saying that I look back on that day and think, why was I spared again? What purpose do I serve? My blogs consist of ideas and thoughts spent to improve one’s surroundings, one’s life, but today I don’t feel that way.  Today I am pissed and fed up with all of the crap that has come my way since July 19,2003. Today I don’t feel like being strong, I don’t feel like looking on the bright side, today I feel the need to cry and wonder why I am still here.  Now before you start sending me self-help books, putting me in contact with a friend of a friend that now lives happily ever after, I want to make one thing clear, my recovery has never ended.  When everyone went back to work, school, families, and life before the accident I was still here…..recovering. In that recovery, is the constant realization that an addict and myself may not be so different.  Each day is a struggle.  Each day is another day I choose to get out of bed.  Each day I come up with a reason why my life is worth living.  The only difference between and addict and myself is my sobriety medallion is in the form of scars on my stomach, and an addict chose that first day to drink, light, shoot, or snort to get to where they are.What am I addicted to? Myself before the accident. The carefree, hope-filled, immortality that I so greatly miss.  I want that ‘in college thinking the world is my oyster if I just work hard and go get it’ aspect of myself. I miss the life that didn’t revolve around eating, sleeping, taking pills, and setting up camp in the bathroom. I miss my only tough decision being what outfit to wear or the term paper I have due next week, not which doctor I think would do the best job at cutting me open for surgery. Before, I used to relish in the fact that when others found out of my accident and the tremendous feats I’ve overcome their first response is, ‘ Well you look great, in fact had you never told me, I never would have known!’  I was proud of myself that I fooled everyone.  What I didn’t realize is after ten years of fooling everyone, the only person I was pulling one over on was myself.  Fake it till you make it….right?  Not so much.  At first I thought God was trying to teach me about control.  Showing me front and center that we have very little and need to let someone else take the wheel. Judge me if you want, but I love the song ‘Jesus take the wheel’ by Carrie Underwood so much that each time I hear it, it brings tears to my eyes.  I have wanted ever since to give up control, let someone else make the decisions but in the end I’m always asked to make the tough decisions myself.  Meditation, prayer, patience, tried it all… In fact preached it all, but in the end it always comes down to me.  Maybe I’ve been missing the point. Maybe I need to take back more control…but I’m over disappointment and the realization that the road closed sign won’t be taken down until it’s good and ready.  I’ve spoken of it before about having down days, this is one of mine.  I don’t have any clever catch-phrases or words of wisdom just the realization that maybe you and I are not so different. These days aren’t discussed in great detail because we should be ashamed of ourselves for thinking this, right? How ungrateful we are. Yeah, well, I don’t believe any of that nonsense. When you go through the toughest of the tough you do it by not accepting your fate as reality and keep pushing till it’s over. With all the grateful to be alive days also comes the purpose was to survive before, but I’m healed, what now?

So here is the truth. It’s been ten years and I’m still not sure why I’m still here, or what I do now. Recovering doesn’t stop when you become disease free, drug free, or any other freedom to be had after a traumatic event. Recovery is an ongoing question of ‘where do I go from here?’ The truth is, this will not be the last time I am fed up and pissed at my circumstance, wonder why I’m still here and what I do now, and think I should be ashamed of myself for being ungrateful even though I know better. But I’ll wake up tomorrow and try again. Because after all…I’m still recovering.
Dedicated to my twin
Copyright© 2012 Carly Speelman
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3 Comments

  1. jo Giessler Staude

    You are a smart cookie for starting this blog. I truly believe writing ones feelings down help get out those pinned up feelings. I usually write my feelings down then delete my words. I dont have the guts to push send or publish. I’m proud of you for pushing forward and I’m sure your parents and family are too. Hang in there Carly! I’m glad you were spared..I’m sorry you live in pain and wonderment. ((HUGS))

  2. Thank you Jo!

  3. Sandy Westrick

    From your twin’s mother: Carly, I’ve known you since you were born and your parents and I saw each other in the hospital hall! How crazy that you and your ‘twin sister’ met about 16 years later on the volleyball court… And how blessed I was to meet YOU. Since that time, you have not only brightened my daughter’s life, but you have been instrumental in keeping my daughter from falling off the tight rope, time and time again. All through those formative years, you found, in your unique, or may I say– God-given way– to pull my girl out of the deepest holes of life. Only YOU know what those holes are. So I say to you—if you can’t figure out what God has spared you for—–let me just tell you. YOU are the reason that Stacy climbs out of hole and finds ground level time and time again. YOU are the one that makes her see why life is worth living. YOU are the one that makes her laugh and feel happy again when no one else can. YOU are the friend that is her strength, her sounding board, her back bone, and her mentor. If those definitions of a friend are not enough, well, I hope that the meaning of life behind it is… YOU are the spark behind your twin that pushes her is a forward direction. If not for you, not only would my daughter have found a way to deal with the frustrations of ‘why’ she had to deal with breast cancer at the age of 30, she wouldn’t be such a fighter today as YOU ARE!!! PLEASE, give yourself some credit here! Both you and Stacy are living proof that even though life can indeed SUCK— there is somewhere… AND WILL BE… a silver lining. Whether it is evident in your life right now is beside the point. The hardest thing in life for all of us, is to accept the fact that everything in our life is on God’s time, not ours. I struggle every day with the fact that I’m 54 and still don’t know what His plan is for me on this earth. My consolation is that I have to believe that in His time I will someday finally see what that plan is. I HATE the waiting process. And your process involves pain and scars, and frustration too, (Remember, scars don’t always have to be physical…) I hope and pray with all my heart, that you will find happiness and contentment in your heart, as well as your “twin sister”. I know that whatever you two might think about God and how He may be the cause for such painful and life-changing events in your lives, that in the end, you may be amazed in heaven when He explains the “WHY” to you…

    I love you both so much, and hope and pray for strength and peace of heart…

    Love,
    ‘Mom’

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