I’m Still Recovering
There are those days when you don’t want to hear polly positive (yeah, I made that up) or negative nelly. Sometimes you just want to hear the truth. So here is the truth. The days in which I am happy to be alive rate about 60-40 to the days in which I wish the car accident would have never happened or ended it all. Surprised? Yeah, well, join the club. I’m not saying I would take my life, I am saying that I look back on that day and think, why was I spared again? What purpose do I serve? My blogs consist of ideas and thoughts spent to improve one’s surroundings, one’s life, but today I don’t feel that way. Today I am pissed and fed up with all of the crap that has come my way since July 19,2003. Today I don’t feel like being strong, I don’t feel like looking on the bright side, today I feel the need to cry and wonder why I am still here. Now before you start sending me self-help books, putting me in contact with a friend of a friend that now lives happily ever after, I want to make one thing clear, my recovery has never ended. When everyone went back to work, school, families, and life before the accident I was still here…..recovering. In that recovery, is the constant realization that an addict and myself may not be so different. Each day is a struggle. Each day is another day I choose to get out of bed. Each day I come up with a reason why my life is worth living. The only difference between and addict and myself is my sobriety medallion is in the form of scars on my stomach, and an addict chose that first day to drink, light, shoot, or snort to get to where they are.What am I addicted to? Myself before the accident. The carefree, hope-filled, immortality that I so greatly miss. I want that ‘in college thinking the world is my oyster if I just work hard and go get it’ aspect of myself. I miss the life that didn’t revolve around eating, sleeping, taking pills, and setting up camp in the bathroom. I miss my only tough decision being what outfit to wear or the term paper I have due next week, not which doctor I think would do the best job at cutting me open for surgery. Before, I used to relish in the fact that when others found out of my accident and the tremendous feats I’ve overcome their first response is, ‘ Well you look great, in fact had you never told me, I never would have known!’ I was proud of myself that I fooled everyone. What I didn’t realize is after ten years of fooling everyone, the only person I was pulling one over on was myself. Fake it till you make it….right? Not so much. At first I thought God was trying to teach me about control. Showing me front and center that we have very little and need to let someone else take the wheel. Judge me if you want, but I love the song ‘Jesus take the wheel’ by Carrie Underwood so much that each time I hear it, it brings tears to my eyes. I have wanted ever since to give up control, let someone else make the decisions but in the end I’m always asked to make the tough decisions myself. Meditation, prayer, patience, tried it all… In fact preached it all, but in the end it always comes down to me. Maybe I’ve been missing the point. Maybe I need to take back more control…but I’m over disappointment and the realization that the road closed sign won’t be taken down until it’s good and ready. I’ve spoken of it before about having down days, this is one of mine. I don’t have any clever catch-phrases or words of wisdom just the realization that maybe you and I are not so different. These days aren’t discussed in great detail because we should be ashamed of ourselves for thinking this, right? How ungrateful we are. Yeah, well, I don’t believe any of that nonsense. When you go through the toughest of the tough you do it by not accepting your fate as reality and keep pushing till it’s over. With all the grateful to be alive days also comes the purpose was to survive before, but I’m healed, what now?
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