Time After Time
This past week I finally received word of when my surgery is going to be. (For those of who don’t know I am having a step-surgery. A link is at the bottom of the page for anyone who would like to learn more about it. Essentially this is when they elongate my small intestines, hopefully turning my ten inches into something more…acceptable.) October 16 is judgment day, and I’m hoping for a bias judge. One that believes I’ve had enough physical pain for one life-time and understands my plea for a minimal scar. I know, scars are beautiful, blah blah blah… Let’s put it this way. If several long, road-map resembling scar’s were what our society thought of as beautiful, then put me on the front of PEOPLE with the label of 50 Most Beautiful Women written across the bottom and call me Heidi Klum. Well…minus the divorce thing, and getting frisky with the bodyguard… Although I’ve seen pictures, and…well…all I’m saying is I can understand the temptation. Off subject, sorry.
Another surgery, another scar, and maybe another life? People have been asking me what I ‘think’ of the situation and the word that comes to mind is cautious. I’ve had the bottom fall out one too many times to let my thoughts wander too far into the future, but I have this feeling…
It resonates just below my ribs in an area fondly known as the solar plexus chakra. This ball, that feels like fire is also known as fear, hope, and anxiety all wrapped up in a tight, annoying package. This fire, when taken as a whole, resembles more of the, ‘I’m getting married’, ‘we’re having a baby’, or ‘I landed my dream job response’. Well….assuming you’re not 15, groom/bride isn’t in the Big House, and your dream job doesn’t involve a pole, pimp, or prison time. You are probably thinking that is great!!! You must be describing excitement! Yes, people do, generally speaking, feel excitement at first glance, but what about later that night, week, month? That’s when this heavily waited ball of energy takes root in your stomach. You’re excited at first, yes…but after the dust settles you start to realize that everything from this point forward will be different. It’s kind of scary really, in the blink of an eye everything changes.
I hear all of you out there thinking change isn’t always bad, and I understand where you are coming from, but I think that anyone that has been through a trauma has a slightly altered perception of change. When you come out the other side of the horrific event many doctor’s refer to as trauma, change has a whole new meaning. No longer does change simply mean new adventures involving new exciting things to do. No…now change becomes the unknown. When you go through something in the trauma category you have seen how dark and scary the world can become, and I’m sorry to tell you that feeling doesn’t ever truly go away… It gets better yes, the fight or flight response gently subsides and you can see those exciting, new adventures. But in the back of your mind it always seems to be an added struggle not to hit that switch of fight or flight. This is the true nature of how the world is after the accident, illness, abuse, etc… Like I said in one of my other blogs, I’ve been recovering for almost ten years I know first hand it does get easier. You eventually learn to understand it for what it truly is… fear. Yes, I’m scared. Surgery is not exactly something that gets easier the more times you do it. Yes, I’m hopeful. Keep knocking me down, I’ll get up believing that was the last time and it will never happen again. And yes, oddly enough I AM somewhat excited.
This excitement seems to flicker like a candle most days, but it is there, and when I sit quietly with myself I can feel that hope and excitement deep inside my heart. Guess that saying ‘Fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me’ never really stuck with me because after all this time I still think maybe this time I won’t be knocked down… Maybe this time life without overwhelming health issues can finally start… Maybe this time will be the last time…
Editor Stacy Campbell
Copyright © 2012 Carly Speelman
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