I Carry Their Heart With Me


The world stops, time stops, my heart…stops.
The only sound is the cell phone crashing against the pavement as I begin to tremble.
I need to go.
We need to go.
Get me off this godforsaken island!
A plane, yes, let’s get a plane.
Buy, sell, trade, whatever it takes.
In use?
The plane is ‘in use’?
Ferry, must get to the ferry.
Why is God doing this?
Please, don’t do this!
I can’t breathe.
Where is that stupid boat?
Too much time has passed.
I will never forgive you for this.
If you take my daughter away from me, I will never forgive you.
Why is this boat moving so slow!
I’m going to be sick.
Please, just get me to my daughter.
It can’t end like this.
She can’t die in a car accident.
I am supposed to go first.
It’s all I know.
It’s all I accept.
It’s all I can handle.
Car, last step.
Just get me there!
The hospital!
Over there!
Stop the car, just stop, I’ll run.
Through the doors, into an empty hallway, the last sound I hear is the echo of my voice screaming for someone to help.

[i carry your heart with me(i carry it in
my heart)i am never without it(anywhere
i go you go, my dear;and whatever is done
by only me is your doing,my darling)]

What’s wrong?
Why has my wife turned white as a ghost?
Dread, sinking my stomach as I see my hand reaching for the dropped cell phone.
My daughter…accident…what?
Take control, call them back.
How could this have happened?
Was it me?
Is this my fault?
I was talking to her on the phone a while ago, is that how it happened?
Did I cause this?
I will never forgive myself if I caused this.
Don’t lose it.
Your wife cannot see you lose it.
We don’t know exactly what happened until we are able to see and talk to someone.
She’s alive, concentrate on that.
She’s alive.
I am supposed to protect her, why can’t I protect her?
You can’t take my little girl away from me.
Stay calm.
I coming for you sweetie…
Daddy’s coming.
Just hold on for me, just hold on.

[i fear
no fate(for you are my fate,my sweet)i want
no world(for beautiful you are my world,my true)
and it’s you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you]

Did I do something wrong?
Why would my Captain need to talk to me?
Somethings wrong, my sister.
I’m strong.
I’m in the army.
Water running over me holds no comfort.
Empty barracks, deafening silence.
I’m being sent home?
Pack my bags.
When did the world take on such a dream-like existence?
Just get me there.
I can feel you.
I can always feel you.
I can’t endure this, please God, don’t take away my sister.
I can’t do this without her.
Life means nothing without her.
I feel myself running off the plane.
Where is he, where is Dad?
I see you.
How could you do this?
Broken bones?
My stomach burns with rage.
I see your sad eyes and deflated energy.
This is more than broken bones, much, much more.
I’m coming Sissy.
Don’t leave me, don’t you dare leave me.
Stop shaking, please, pull it together.
ICU resembles a maze and I feel myself floating.
I walked past her?
What?
She’s back there?
So many tubes, that can’t be my big sister.
I see my hand interlaced with hers as the screaming machines finally stop.
She’s so helpless.
She’s so broken.
How do I make it better?
I’m helpless.
Sing.
I can’t sing, but I have to.
It’s all I can do.
We’re Leaving On A Jet Plane comes pouring out.
I can hear my heart-break, I can feel myself break.
I let go.
Tears wet my face before finding comfort in the arms of my parents.

[here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;which grows
higher than soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that’s keeping the stars apart]

This is what trauma looks like to them. These are their scars, their nightmare.
I want to thank you for all for your kind words, prayers, strength, and confidence. They help me more than I can express.
This will be my last blog for a couple of weeks while I recover from surgery. I am leaving you with this blog as a request for your help. As you can see trauma does not only happen to one person. During the period of my recovery, I ask you to reach out to support my family by commenting on this website. I will be out of commission for sometime, engulfed in my painkiller state of mind, but they will be living through it every day.
They are my everything. As I work through my fear of being admitted into the hospital, they relive their’s of needing me to be okay. It didn’t just happen to me, and I want you to know how strong and amazing my family is. Thank you in advance for helping me take care of them. It helps to ease my soul knowing they will have you.
For them, with them, because of them,

[i carry (their) heart with me(i carry it in my heart)]
by: E.E. Cummings

Dedicated to: Suzanne, Bob, Lauren Speelman, and all those I carry with me.
Carly Speelman Copyright© 2012

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6 Comments

  1. WOW!! Praying for you and your family ❤

  2. Kay Brandt

    Good Luck, Carly. May you soon be well! Prayers for you all.

  3. Judy Culler

    I’m thinking of you and your family as you prepare for your surgery. I find your writing an inspiration. I can’t imagine what you and your family are going through. Keeo strong. My prayers are with you.

  4. Amy

    You are in our prayers. I’m here for whatever you need afterwards! Love you!!!

  5. Sandy Westrick

    Carly, my dear… you are quite something, and so is your family. I – we/my whole family is so blessed to know you and your family. Special people… God has blessed you in so many ways… It has taken me 54 years to find where I’m supposed to be. And it may take you a while for your path to be found. But know that it’s there waiting for you. Do you hear me? I can’t begin to stress enough the talents and blessings that I see in you. This rocky road that you have been traveling for some time now is not going to stay that way. Believe it. I believe that when you’ve been torn down and reduced to nothing, it’s like a rebirth. The infant has to learn to hold their head up, then crawl and eventually walk. Fall? Get hurt? Certainly! But get up and keep going forward, my child! See the bright world waiting out there for you!!!
    This surgery will hopefully assist in getting you to the next plateau in your life. Stay strong and faithful in this plan. Feel God in your heart, your soul, your body, as you go through these next several days and weeks. Faith. Let go and let God.
    My sisters in Christ and I will all be praying for you and your recovery. And be assured that we will be taking care of your family in prayer also. God love you, my second daughter… and know that God loves you too—-more than you will ever imagine. Sleep well while the doctors ‘fix’ you. Visit with God and let Him hold you tight while you sleep. I pray for a renewal of life for you!!!!

    Love always,
    Momma Sandy

  6. Faye felkey

    Many thoughts, prayers & hugs coming your way. Strength in numbers!

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